Week 4 Picks

Curse my duplicity! Had I stuck with the pick I sent over to the Real Salt Lake Offside, I would not only have pegged the damn score, but would be sitting pretty on a 10-11 record. Instead, I called a tie (well, fuck you too Hunter Freeman) and now look the fool with a 9-12 mark. Well, may as well do some more damage while I’m here. And, seeing as I don’t feel like finding the ground rules again, I’ll just note the most significant of them: I don’t call specific scores, just the results.

Oh, and I posted a more considered preview (e.g. high-falutin’) for Write On Sports and, thanks to my day “job” with The Crew Offside, I elaborated on the particulars of that game in that space. Moving on....

Toronto FC v. Kansas City Wizards (preview)
Watching TFC play thus far recalls a dogfight matching a shih tzu puppy against an adult bull terrier on a cocktail of crank and steroids. With my stomach barely holding as is, TFC needs any kind of positive from their home opener - a goal will do - or I don’t think I’ll be able to bring myself to continue watching them. Seriously, though, can you see them winning this? The shih tzu gets the once-over twice...or even thrice. WIZARDS WIN.

Columbus Crew v. DC United (preview)
On one level, DC’s panic-prone defense seems just the remedy for the Crew, who needed assists from Shalrie Joseph’s hand and the hole in James Riley’s foot to score for the first time last week. On another, the Crew defense hardly inspired confidence against the Revs either. As such, I’m seeing a fretful, perhaps even high-scoring, affair - and seeing how that favors the visitors, Columbus gets the worst of it: DC WINS.

Los Angeles Galaxy v. Chivas USA (preview)
Ah, the SuperClasico. I almost hate the league for filling this weekend with so many viewing options. Expectations seem pretty high for this one, though I’m a little dubious as to why. LA’s been pretty punchless thus far and Chivas has struggled against defensively stout outfits, a description I believe applies to LA. This call will leave everyone about as satisfied as I expect the game will: A DRAW - though I’m pulling for a Chivas win.

FC Dallas v. New England Revolution (type faster, you interns)
Dang me, this stuff is hard, y’all. Put it this way: New England may have the tools, but they were more opportunist than good against a wobbly Columbus without being opportunist enough. Going the other way, they’ve got enough holes and FC Dallas has the players to exploit them - especially at home: FC DALLAS WINS.

Houston Dynamo v. Chicago Fire (type faster, you interns)
There are two kinds of heavyweight fights: a Mike-Tyson-style beat-down that ends before it starts or those god-awful affairs featuring to big, sweaty dudes throwing slow, heavy punches between extended grapples (factually, there are more kinds of heavyweight fights, but bear with me). This game has the words “labored” and “1-0” written all over it. I’m going to say HOUSTON WINS, but that’s only because I predicted a bad year for the Fire and a good one for the Dynamo.

Real Salt Lake v. Colorado Rapids (OK, it's a Monday game)
Will my wife leave me if I watch four games in one weekend? Will she threaten to? You may find out Tuesday morning ‘cause I’m damned curious about this game and mainly to see Colorado, in whom I still possess a kind of half-absurd faith. But for reasons for which I cannot account, I think John Ellinger picks up a reprieve on this one as the Rapids’ road woes bite again: REAL SALT LAKE WINS - and the doubting time begins (or maybe continues) in Colorado.