Look. We have to talk.
A lot of things have changed since Major League Soccer (MLS) brought us together, hasn't it? It's been a whirlwind, really, and I remember all the good times. With New England, there was the improbable run at MLS Cup in 2002, the salad days of 2005, on which followed the bitter trials of 2006.
And even if my late relationship with the Crew isn't strictly speaking romantic, we've had some good times too, haven't we? There was the Schelotto signing and...and...well, the Schelotto signing was an exciting time, wasn't it?
But if the reports are true and an MLS team comes to some corner of the Pacific Northwest, I'm afraid I don't see much of a future for us. The phone sex has been really, really great. Just great, honestly. And I never once faked anything. You know that, don't you? But once I hang up, you're not there any more. Do you understand? I can't curl up with the phone after we, um, finish and, you have to admit, we've covered all the role-playing scenarios I can think of and it's not like we've got options with positions or anything. And whips over the phone: it just doesn't translate. I'm afraid I just can't carry on the long-distance thing.
I know we agreed to flings with other leagues; I always had my Portland Timbers and you...you had whatever the hell it is you have back East. But those were, you know, flings. It wasn't the same league and, somehow, it just didn't feel like "cheating."
I know this is hard, but I don't think I can share my heart like this. So, if and when a team shows up in the Northwest - and even if it's Seattle team - let's just try to end this. We both deserve better, true companionship; I think you know that's true. The thing is I don't want this to be an ugly surprise when the team comes along, so I thought I'd get it over with now, when we can still have some fun together. And I know you'll find someone else out there, someone who can make you happy, maybe even someone who can appreciate your um, "fascinations."
Anyway, I'll call tonight. Would it make you happy if I played the deacon again? For old time's sake?
(For those looking for less-silly analysis, there's some nice stuff out there. Both My Soccer Blog and WVHooligan did nice work looking over the two cities as candidates; The Offside Rules came up with some decent reasons why the ownership group in play may not "get it." And, naturally, the Timbers Blog makes a great point about why the City of Portland may not be the easiest partner to work with - and that's significant for the Portland bid.)